Fair Isn’t Equal: What Your Pet Needs

Host: Amy Castro

Episode Summary

Treating your pets fairly doesn’t mean treating them all the same.

In this episode, Amy looks at how age, health, mobility, personality, behavior, and individual preferences can mean very different needs for pets living under the same roof. From food and exercise to attention, accommodations, rules, and affection, good pet parenting isn’t about perfect equality. It’s about paying attention to the individual animal in front of you.

Amy also asks a harder question: Are we giving our pets what they need and enjoy, or sometimes trying to turn them into the pets we imagined having?

Disclaimer

The Pet Parent Hotline is for informational and educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional veterinary advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always consult your veterinarian or another qualified pet-care professional about questions or concerns related to your individual pet’s health, behavior, diet, mobility, or care.

Transcript Note

This transcript has been lightly edited for readability while preserving the meaning and conversational style of the recorded episode.

Chapters

00:00 Fair Doesn’t Always Mean the Same
00:46 Welcome to The Pet Parent Hotline
01:10 Six Pets, Six Very Different Needs
03:36 Different Bodies Need Different Care
05:51 Accommodations Aren’t Favoritism
08:09 Are You Trying to Change Who Your Pet Is?
10:34 Different Pets Can Have Different Rules
12:50 Does Every Pet Need Equal Attention?
15:08 Stop Comparing Your Pet to Other Pets
17:26 This Week’s Pet Parent Hotline Challenge

Transcript

Amy Castro (00:00)

If you've got more than one pet, do you ever feel a little guilty when one pet gets something the other ones don't?

One maybe gets special food, gets carried upstairs, or gets a longer walk. Maybe one gets invited into your lap all the time while the other barely wants you touching them.

As humans, we get very hung up on being fair, and somewhere along the way, fair starts to mean everybody gets the same thing. But when it comes to pets, that can actually be the opposite of good pet parenting.

I've got six pets right now. There is absolutely no way all six of them need the same thing.

And there's another side of this that I think we sometimes miss completely. Are we giving our pets what they need, or are we trying to turn them into the pets we want them to be?

That's what we're talking about today.

Amy Castro (00:46)

You've reached the Pet Parent Hotline, your lifeline to practical solutions for your toughest pet parenting challenges.

I'm your host, Amy Castro, and I'm here to help you cut through the noise and turn expert advice into step-by-step strategies so you can stop chasing your tail and start enjoying life with pets again.

Amy Castro (01:10)

So as I mentioned, and I think most of you already know, I've currently got six pets.

If you've not heard about all of them, let me introduce you to this crazy cast of characters that we've got here.

First off, I've got three cats.

Pickles is 15, a tortie, and super skinny, and she's got some kidney issues.

Penny Pinhead is 11 years old, and his name comes with a reason because he is built like a bowling pin, so he's a little overweight.

And then there's Monkey, who's five and has no eyes, but she is fearless and she loves to eat.

On the other side of the spectrum are my dogs.

Gunny is my 10-year-old bulldog. She's actually two-thirds English Bulldog and one-third American Bulldog.

Gigi is my daughter's three-year-old terrier, and I think "yappy" is probably the most accurate technical description I can give you of her.

And then there's the sweet little girl Tinkerbell, otherwise known as Tinky. She is a teeny-tiny, four-pound, 11-year-old Chihuahua.

All of these critters live in the same house, they're all loved, and they're all part of the family. But equal treatment would make absolutely no sense in my book.

And I think we all know that intellectually. Where it gets complicated is in everyday life because we have this very human idea of fairness.

If I give one dog a treat, everybody gets a treat. If I pet one cat, I should probably give the others some attention too. One gets something new, maybe I have to buy something for everybody.

And sometimes that's fine.

But I want to make the case today that being a good pet parent isn't about dividing everything into six equal pieces. It's about paying enough attention to each animal that you know what actually works for that particular animal.

So I'm going to start with the obvious.

All of my pets are not only different species, but they have different bodies.

Pickles and Pinny are probably the easiest examples in my house.

Pickles is 15 and she's very, very skinny. Pinny is 11 and not so skinny.

And if I stood there with a measuring cup and said, "I love you both equally, therefore you're going to get the exact same amount of food," that wouldn't be fairness.

That would actually be ignoring what's right in front of me.

And I think most people kind of know that, right?

You know your pets' bodies are different. You know they're at different ages, and their health needs may be different. And that means that their care probably needs to look different.

Amy Castro (03:36)

But food is just one example.

You might have one dog who can chew through practically anything and another whose teeth aren't what they used to be.

You might have a young dog who can go for a long walk and come home asking, "What are we doing now?" while your other, older dog is ready to file a formal complaint halfway around the block and you might end up carrying them.

And that's kind of where I am with Gigi versus Gunny and Tinky.

Gigi's three. She's got a lot of terrier energy, and 10-year-old bulldog energy is not the same thing when it comes to Gunny.

Forcing everybody into the same activity because, quote-unquote, "dogs need exercise" is not only nonsensical, but it also could be really unsafe.

For Gigi, there probably isn't a walk that would be too much.

But for Gunny, I have to be really, really careful that she doesn't get, A, overheated or, B, too out of breath.

So when you think about exercising your pets, the goal isn't necessarily to tire everybody out equally.

The goal is to give each dog an appropriate opportunity to move and sniff and explore, or play if they want to, and rest based on who they are right now.

Because that's another piece of this that is super important.

Our pets' needs aren't frozen in time.

Gunny is not the same dog at 10 as she was when she was three. And Pickles at 15 is definitely not the same cat she was five or 10 years ago.

And even Gigi is going to eventually get older and slow down. So even though she currently seems to believe that every noise within a three-mile radius needs an announcement, hopefully she will quiet that down as she gets older too.

I can at least dream about that, right?

So part of good pet parenting is noticing when the pets in front of you have changed, even if you've gotten very, very comfortable with the routine that you've always had with them.

And then it comes to accommodations for your pets.

Monkey is a perfect example.

Like I said, she's five years old and she doesn't have eyes.

She does not spend her day sitting around contemplating the tragedy of her situation. She's a cat. She is super adaptable, and as I've said many times on the show, she is fearless.

Amy Castro (05:51)

But that doesn't mean I should pretend that her environment doesn't matter.

There are things I really need to think about for her that don't necessarily come into play when I'm thinking about the needs of Pickles and Pinny.

And I think the same thing happens if you've got pets that are getting older.

Maybe one of them needs an easier way to get up on the bed or on the furniture. Maybe food bowls need to be moved around because they need different foods or need a little more elbow room because they're eating slower.

Your older dog might need more time outside to go to the bathroom or may need to go out more frequently than your other dogs.

And you'll notice things.

I've noticed that some of my cats aren't having as easy a time getting up to the windowsill where they like to sit or getting over that baby gate that I've set up.

Instead of assuming that they'll figure it out or they've lost interest in looking out the window, it might really be worth asking whether getting up there has actually become harder.

And that is not spoiling your pets.

I think it's noticing and adapting to make sure that their lives are as full as they can possibly be.

And you know what? Sometimes one pet is going to get an accommodation that nobody else gets.

As an example, lately in the new house, I've been sneaking downstairs in the morning to get my coffee, and I have been giving Pickles, my skinny cat, a secret meal that nobody else knows about.

I am literally sitting there with my arms in the pantry, peeling open the top of the lid of this liquid stew that she really likes and pouring it out quietly on a plate so she gets her little extra calories and her extra meal.

And again, that's totally okay.

And of course there's moderation too, right?

When it comes to accommodations like the cat that can't get on the windowsill or the dog that can't get on the bed, that doesn't mean you have to install a ramp on every single bed in your house or every piece of furniture or every single window ledge.

You don't have to change everything for everybody just because one has a need.

Same goes with food. You don't have to change everybody's food necessarily because one animal has a dietary issue.

So special treatment doesn't necessarily mean favoritism.

It simply means meeting that one pet's need as best you possibly can.

Amy Castro (08:09)

But here's the part I really want to spend some time on.

Physical needs are relatively easy for us to understand.

I think emotional and social needs are where we start making some of this stuff about ourselves.

We have an idea in our heads about what having a pet is supposed to look like.

Maybe you always wanted that cat who curls up in your lap while you watch TV, and instead you got the cat who enjoys maybe being in the same room with you but who would prefer that your hands remain to yourself.

That doesn't mean that you have a bad relationship or that your cat doesn't love you.

Your cat may be perfectly content sitting on the other end of the couch. Meanwhile, somebody else's cat practically climbs inside their shirt.

Neither one is doing pet-human relationships incorrectly.

The same thing happens with dogs.

We assume dogs should want to meet people, and some really, really do.

My Tinkerbell, for example, little Tinky, I always refer to her as the world's friendliest Chihuahua. She loves everybody. She will go up to anybody, children included.

Gigi, on the other hand, is very, very frightened of strangers.

She is not one that is going to let a new person in the house pet her or take her for a walk or anything like that.

And it may even take weeks of contact with that other person before she ever gets comfortable with them.

So I think this is where we really need to ask ourselves a harder question, especially when it comes to trying to push our pets outside their comfort zone and turn them into the pet that we want them to be versus the pet that they actually are.

And the question is: Am I doing this because my pet enjoys it, or because I enjoy the idea of my pet enjoying it?

That sounds similar, but it's a really different question.

Maybe your dog is never going to be that dog that wants to go to that brewery with you or the dog park.

Maybe your cat doesn't appreciate being picked up 20 times a day or meeting company when they come over.

Maybe your pet would rather have a quiet afternoon at home than go out to a community event that sounds like fun to you.

And none of that is a rejection of you or your lifestyle.

They don't judge those things.

Animals are just individuals, and they have preferences just like we do.

Amy Castro (10:34)

And I think one of the nicest things that we can do for them is stop taking those preferences personally.

Now, before anybody gets upset, obviously there are things that our pets are going to need to tolerate whether they like them or not.

I don't think Gigi, despite her dislike of strangers, is going to be able to make the decision that she's simply not a veterinarian person, and therefore we are going to cancel all her future vet appointments, right?

There are necessary things that need to happen.

But affection and social interaction shouldn't be something we're constantly imposing on an animal just because it makes us feel loved or because their lack of interest in other people might be embarrassing to us.

If your pet walks away, let them walk away.

If they want to sit beside you instead of on you, enjoy the fact that they even want to be close to you.

And when an animal does ask for affection, please pay attention to that too.

The whole point is to read the individual instead of deciding ahead of time what affection and love are supposed to look like.

And back to this issue of fair.

Fair also doesn't mean everybody needs the same rules.

And this one can make people really uncomfortable because rules feel like another place where we're supposed to be consistent, right?

And I agree, consistency matters.

But consistency doesn't necessarily mean identical rules for every animal in the house.

So let's say you've got one dog who can calmly hang out with people while they're eating dinner.

Great. Nice.

And your other dog spends the entire meal begging and drooling and attempting to steal food.

Those dogs might not get the same amount of freedom during dinner.

And yes, it could be a training issue, for sure. And maybe it is something that you need to deal with.

But it's okay to select management as an option.

Just some other examples.

You might have one cat who's totally trustworthy when you leave your sandwich sitting on the coffee table and another one who isn't.

One dog may be great meeting people at the front door, and another may be better off behind a gate because they're going to shoot out the front door and run away.

So you're not required to give every single pet the exact same privileges regardless of behavior.

Amy Castro (12:50)

What matters is that the expectations make sense for that individual pet and that you're setting them up for success.

Because sometimes I think we create problems by trying so darn hard to be equal in everything.

We put the older dog through more activity than he needs because the younger dog needs exercise.

We let the food-obsessed cat have access to something because the other cat can handle it.

Or we force a shy dog, and I see this a lot, into social situations because the outgoing dog loves them.

And nobody really benefits from that.

And then there's also the attention question, right?

This one can really mess with people in multi-pet households.

What if one pet needs more attention? Does that mean you're neglecting everybody else?

Not necessarily.

There are days and there are seasons in life when one animal might simply need more from you.

If somebody's sick, they're going to get more attention.

If you're working through a behavior issue with one dog, that dog may get some more training time.

A new pet might need more supervision, and an older dog might need more help.

So your job isn't to run a stopwatch and make sure everybody gets exactly 17 minutes and 47 seconds of attention a day.

What I would pay attention to instead is whether every pet is getting enough of what matters to them.

That's different from everybody getting the same amount.

And actually having multiple pets makes this much more obvious because the differences are always right there in front of you.

Tinky and Gigi can live in the exact same house and experience it really differently.

Pickles, Pinny, and Monkey can share a room and still have completely different priorities.

As a matter of fact, in setting up their oasis, I like to think of it as an oasis in this house, I had to take into consideration everybody's individual needs versus just setting up the room for cats.

For example, I know that Monkey likes to climb, and theoretically all cats like to be up high.

But I also knew that Pinny was going to be less likely to explore and was going to want a place where he could hide because he gets very nervous with change.

Pickles loves to be in the sunshine, so I was looking for places to find sunspots for her because she's skinny and she gets colder easier.

So all of these animals can live in the exact same room and still have very, very different needs and experience it differently.

Amy Castro (15:08)

And again, the trick is noticing the differences instead of assuming that because something works for cats or dogs, or one of your cats or dogs, that this is going to be the new household policy.

And here's where I think all of this applies even if you only have one pet, because you can still compare your pet to everybody else's.

Your friend's dog loves the dog park, but yours doesn't.

Your neighbor takes their dog everywhere with them, but your dog would rather stay home.

You see videos of cats riding around in backpacks. Terrible idea, I think, but okay.

And you start wondering whether your cat needs more adventure.

Maybe your pets do need something different, or maybe they'd like you to put that backpack away and stop getting crazy ideas from Instagram.

There is no universal version of a happy pet.

There are needs we absolutely have a responsibility to meet, right?

Appropriate food, veterinary care, safety, physical activity, mental stimulation, and social interaction that fits their species and their individual needs.

But once you get beyond those basics, the details get very, very personal.

And that's why knowing your own animal matters so very much.

Not the dog you wish you had. Not the pets you follow online.

The actual pet that is living in your house.

What does that animal enjoy?

What makes that animal uncomfortable?

What has changed lately that is impacting them positively or negatively?

And what are you still doing out of habit, even though your pet may have moved on from needing it or enjoying it?

And here's one thing I especially want you to consider.

Is there anything you've asked your pet to do primarily because it meets one of your needs?

There's nothing wrong with loving that your dog cuddles with you. There's nothing wrong with enjoying a cat in your lap.

The relationship ideally is going to bring joy to both of you.

But the key is the word "both."

So here's your Pet Parent Hotline challenge for this week.

Pick one of your pets and don't change anything yet. Don't start doing anything.

Just watch them.

Pay attention to what they choose when nobody is directing them.

Where do they like to sleep?

When or where do they seek you out?

When do they move away?

Where do they get energy from certain activities, and what have they stopped doing?

Maybe something has gotten harder for them to do lately.

Amy Castro (17:26)

And you might discover absolutely nothing surprising.

But you might notice something you've been overlooking because you've been operating on autopilot or you've been super busy.

And if you have multiple pets, try to do this separately for each one.

Don't ask, "What are my dogs like?"

Ask, "What is this dog like?"

Don't ask, "What do my cats need?"

Look at Pickles. Look at Pinny. Look at Monkey as individuals.

They might only have species in common, and they might be very, very individual.

And that is the whole point of today's episode.

I don't think our pets need us to be perfectly equal.

They need us to pay attention.

So now I want to hear about your household.

If you've got multiple pets, tell me one way their needs are completely different.

Comment on the episode, find the Pet Parent Hotline on Facebook or Instagram, or reach out through our website and let us know.

And if you only have one pet, tell me something about them that is completely different from what you originally expected when you brought them home.

I'd especially love to hear whether you've ever had to let go of something you wanted because you realized your pet simply didn't want the same thing.

Because I think that's one of the harder parts of loving animals as well.

We don't get to choose who they are.

We get to learn who they are.

And then hopefully we build a life that works for both of us.

Thanks for hanging out with me today, and give your pets what they need this week, even if it doesn't look exactly like what everybody else's pets are getting.

Thanks for listening to the Pet Parent Hotline.

If you enjoyed the show, don't keep it to yourself. Text a friend right now with a link and tell them, "I've got a show that you need to hear," and ask them to let you know what they think.

And remember, your pet's best life starts with you living yours.

So be sure to take good care of yourself this week and your pets.