Episode:  Pet Parent Guilt — How to Stop Feeling Like You’re Failing Your Pet

Host: Amy Castro

Guest: Sheryl Green (Speaker, Author of "You Had Me at No")

Summary

Amy and Sheryl unpack how guilt shows up for pet parents, how to evaluate whether it’s valid or self-imposed, and what to do next. They discuss setting realistic expectations, the difference between gap and gain thinking, compassionate rehoming when needs cannot be met, and practical ways to release guilt and move forward.

Links

Show: The Pet Parent Hotline (listen on your podcast app)

Guest: Sheryl Green — Boundaried Life and keynotes: sherylgreenspeaks.com

Affiliate Disclosure

Affiliate Disclosure: Some links may be affiliate links. If you purchase through them, we may earn a small commission at no additional cost to you.

Veterinary/Professional Disclaimer

This episode shares general information for educational purposes. It is not medical, behavioral, legal, or financial advice. Always consult your own veterinarian or qualified professional for guidance specific to your situation.

Transcript Note

Lightly edited for clarity. Original timestamps preserved. Speaker labels updated to real names.

Chapters 

00:00 — Teaser

00:32 — Show intro

00:55 — Framing guilt and why it shows up

02:47 — Newsletter and boundary work

03:29 — Step 1: Acknowledge the guilt

10:18 — Resource realities and needs vs. niceties

16:32 — Meeting needs and shelter realities

21:35 — Boundaries: yes, no, and yes-and

31:18 — Work travel, temporary care, and win-win solutions

37:27 — Grace after hard decisions, closing stories

Full Transcript

Amy Castro (00:00.512) 
 Ever feel guilty for working too much or missing out on the daily walk or not giving your pet enough attention? You're not alone in that feeling. But what if guilt isn't the real problem? In this episode, we're going to talk about what guilt is trying to tell you, when you should actually listen to it, and how to finally let it go so you can enjoy your pets without the constant second guessing. So stay tuned.

Amy Castro (00:32.066)
 You've reached the Pet Parent Hotline, your lifeline to practical solutions for your toughest pet parenting challenges. I'm your host Amy Castro, and I'm here to help you cut through the noise and turn expert advice into step-by-step strategies so you can stop chasing your tail and start enjoying life with pets again.

Amy Castro (00:55.864)
 Before we dive into today's conversation, I want to take a second to talk about guilt. That nagging feeling that you're not doing enough, that you're not spending enough time with your pet, you're not giving enough attention. And people feel this in lots of phases of their life, with their pets, with their human children, with their significant others, with their elderly parents, whatever it might be. It's for some reason just human nature to feel guilty. And

I've been there more times than I can count, but I will say that over the years, I've learned to recognize guilt for what it really is, is that it's a signal of something and it's our heart trying to tell us something. It's not a verdict on our self-worth. And when you can identify it and work through it, you often will come out stronger on the other side and you can let it go. And that's why I'm really excited to have today's guest, Sheryl Green on the show.

And the reason I reached out to Sheryl is I receive her newsletter. She is an expert on boundaries. And one of the most recent topics that she sent out was about guilt. And it really grabbed my attention because the idea for this episode was kind of already brewing in the back of my head. And it was like a light bulb that went off when I read her newsletter. And I realized I had to have her on the show to talk about guilt and apply it to pet parenting. Sheryl is a speaker.

author of the book You Had Me At No, and a self-proclaimed recovering people pleaser and survivor of burnout. Sheryl teaches people how to set healthy boundaries at work and in their personal lives so they can protect their energy, their sanity, and their compassion. And today, she's gonna help us explore how guilt shows up for us as pet parents and how we can finally release it. So Sheryl, thank you for being on the show with me today.

Thank you so much. I'm excited to be here.

Amy Castro (02:47.234)
 I've been excited to have you here and I told our listeners in the beginning that what tied me into thinking about you for this episode was that you were calling it Boundary Bites. What is the newsletter called now?

it is now called the Boundary Life.

Okay, because yeah, needs to be more than a bite. needs to be a whole life. But the one about guilt, and I thought, ooh, I've got to have her on the show to talk about this because as I admitted, I don't feel like I struggle with it, but a lot of people are struggling with it for a variety of reasons. And I thought, who better to have on than somebody that's an expert in it?

I am both an expert in boundaries and in having guilt. So we're good. This is perfect.

And guilt about having boundaries.

Sheryl Green (03:29.77)
 Yes, yeah. yeah, no, that was one of the major hurdles that I'm still working through. I think that's a life, you know, a lifelong journey. But yeah, if anybody, you're dealing with guilt right now, you are not alone. Don't worry about it.

Yes, because there's so many things that you could feel guilty about in life. But one of the things, and this was just my kind of research on dealing with guilt, but one of the first things was to, first of either acknowledge that you have guilt or acknowledge that it is guilt. Why is that so important to identify it, I guess?

Yeah, I think when we try to ignore something or squash it down or pretend, that I'm not feeling that, it actually makes it worse. No matter what emotion you're experiencing, whether it's, you know, anger or fear or whatever, naming it and saying, you know what, in this moment, I am feeling x. And I did a meditation program years ago and that was the formula. In this moment, I am feeling angry.

And that's okay. But ultimately that is not what I want to experience. So I'm going to take a different route. We need to recognize what are we feeling. And then say to ourselves, you know what, that is okay. Whatever emotion we're experiencing is okay. We're humans. This is what happens.

Yeah, definitely. I think it festers in my training with humans, not with dogs or cats, but my training with humans, the idea of identifying the emotion and admitting it and even sharing it with other people. People always are shocked that, you know, I can tell my spouse that I'm angry at them. Yes, you can tell them. You just can't act it out by hitting them over the head with a frying pan kind of thing. Same thing at work.

Amy Castro (05:18.028)
 So it's okay to admit the guilt or acknowledge that yes, you are feeling guilty because that's the first step in resolving, okay, now what do I do with it, right?

It is, and I think you brought up something really important, which is sharing it and talking about it. And so often, no matter what we're feeling, we're kind of sitting in shame. And we're sitting in this like, I'm the only one who feels like this. I'm the only one that's going through this. And I actually had this conversation yesterday. Sorry for the men that are listening. Hang in for one second.

I had a conversation about perimenopause with a friend and she said, my goodness, I didn't realize other people are going through this until we started talking about it. So when you open up, when you say, hey, you know what, I'm feeling really guilty. I left my dog alone for X amount of hours. Like, my God, am I a terrible pet parent? You're gonna give other people the space and the freedom to share their own story and their own feelings.

And it doesn't make it better if everybody is, you know, doing something wrong. That's not what I'm saying, but it allows you to kind of see like, okay, where am I? What are other people experiencing? And maybe I'm not a gremlin. Maybe I'm not like an ogre here. So it's super, super important. Name it and then accept it. And if you can share it, share it with somebody.

That's probably why I'm seeing so many people posting about their guilt about it. And like I had mentioned to you before, is that the post ends with, should I rehome my pet? Like you're feeling that bad that you've come to that conclusion. And then my thought is always, gosh, how long have you been feeling that way that you're now at that point where you're considering giving up this pet that you just wrote four paragraphs about how much you adore it. And it's like sad to see that people have gotten to t...

Sheryl Green (07:14.986)
 It is, and look, pets are really good at making us feel guilty. Let's call.

Don't start attributing human motive to Let's call it what it is.

is, no, whether they know it or not, we are biologically designed to want to care take and to want to love on them. Just two weeks ago, I was taking my dog to the park every morning and then my health situation changed and I was able to go back to the gym. So it's not that he doesn't get to run around. We have a giant backyard. He's got two siblings. Like he is living his best life. But I was feeling a little bit bad about not taking him to the park.

and I didn't realize it until after and this is like bad mommy move. I drove past the park on the way to the groomer and he got so excited and then as soon as we passed the entrance, like he just, like you could, he just was like, for not, no.

Wait, wait, you passed it.

Sheryl Green (08:14.254)
 Was he trying to make me feel guilty? No, probably not. I don't think they have mastered that. However, boy did it. I felt so bad. But it doesn't make me a bad parent. It doesn't make me a bad pet owner. I didn't go, my goodness, I'm taking him to get groomed instead of to sniff at the park. Like I might as well just get rid of him. Like that's a hop, skip and a jump we don't have to make.

Yeah, yeah, and because that's pretty big leap. Yes. But what about, so I don't want to necessarily now start turning this around and analyzing your experience there, but the second part of this process, I think, is evaluating the guilt. And then that's what I feel like when I said in the beginning of the episode that I feel like I have developed, or maybe just because I am a communication speaker and trainer that

I can have this own internal dialogue where I say, okay, wait, time out. Let's look at this before I go to extreme conclusions on it. So are there questions that we should ask ourselves about the guilt feeling? Because sometimes you're feeling guilty and you deserve to feel guilty because you did something wrong. mean, it's like, or you made a mistake and that's your opportunity because you're feeling that ick about it.

to now remedy it versus, like you said, if we bury it, sometimes we bury it and then emotionally it takes a toll on us, but sometimes we bury it and we've now buried an opportunity to fix something that needs to be fixed.

Yeah. Yeah. So like you said, there's two types of guilt. There's the, I'm imposing this on myself or someone else, a human is imposing it, or I'm looking at my dog and thinking they're imposing it or cat or snake or whatever you got crawling around at home. And then there's the, legitimately did something that I need to apologize for, maybe not necessarily to an animal, but I need to apologize for and I need to fix going forward.

Sheryl Green (10:18.478)
 So when you look at that, there are times that you need to fix something. you said the posts always end in, I get rid of the animal? There are times when you legitimately do not have the resources to take care of an animal. I spent 12 years in the animal rescue world, and I would say about five

percent of the surrenders that we saw were legitimate. I'm going to be homeless. I have absolutely no income. I'm disabled and I have, you know, a great day in with a, you know, temper problem, whatever. I'm making that up obviously. But, you know, there are certain times in our lives that it truly is not the best for the animal. And I think that really has to be our gold standard and that has to be our

question that we're asking ourselves is, do I have the ability to give this animal what it needs? It does not need home cooked food. It does not need a crocheted hat. It does not need, you know, morning walks on the beach. Like we see these things on Instagram and on Pinterest and, you know, out on social media and we're like, my God, I don't cook six course meals for my dog.

Like I'm an awful, awful pet parent. Like I don't know when the last time we ran on the beach was. It would be nice and it would be lovely. And I'm sure your animal would love it, but that's not necessary. know, animals do have a basic need for, for just like us, you know, for safety, for food, water, temperature control, things like that and love. And if you're giving your animal love, even if it's

safe.

Sheryl Green (12:15.118)
 15, 20 minutes of really like, am present, I am here for you, like we are bonding. They just need to know that you're there for them. So I feel like I went all over the place with that, but there are times that you legitimately don't have the resources or the lifestyle to have an animal. And sometimes that's something that changes mid ownership.

And sometimes that's people going into adopting or buying an animal that they really shouldn't.

Yeah, so that's true.

The first step I would say when it comes to guilt is adopt or take on an animal responsibly and really evaluate like, do I have that? Do I have that ability? And things change. Again, things change. People die. You know, we lose jobs. Things happen. Really in the very beginning, make sure that you can do what you're promising to do. And honestly, that's a boundary. I teach that.

to my human clients all the time. Don't agree to do things that you don't have the resources to carry through on.

Amy Castro (13:29.046)
 Yeah. Yeah. And that's something that, you know, that's definitely something that we stress on the show a lot. The idea that before get to the point of having guilt because you've made an error in judgment for getting a pet to ask yourself questions about the pet's needs. And we've done episodes in detail. We did a two parter on what do animals need and things like that and identifying those things upfront. But I want to dig into this evaluation because you hit on a couple of things. You talked about

self-imposed versus other-imposed, which I think is a big question that we need to ask ourselves. Let's just say as an example, we'll use your example about the going by the dog park and your dog having a reaction. And so you say to yourself, okay, I wanna evaluate this, I feel guilty about it. And before I write it off, let's analyze it a little bit. number one would be,

who's imposing the guilt? The dog we kind of established didn't impose it. So it's self-imposed. It's not like your neighbor was telling you, you're a terrible pet parent because you're not taken to the park. Because a lot of times we do get guilt that is imposed by other people, whether it is a parent tells us or some person who thinks they're a better pet parent tells you, you're a terrible person because you don't feed this food or you don't get those vaccines or whatever. And so you have to kind of a...

Do they know better than I do? And do they know my situation? And if they don't, then that's just their opinion. It's not anything that I necessarily have to take on myself. But even if it is self-imposed, what might be some other questions you could ask yourself? Like I thought about with your example of the park, because you said something that up until I started doing this podcast, I was of the same mindset. I live on seven acres.

My dogs go out in the backyard. I don't need to take them to the park. However, I have learned from talking to behaviorist and veterinarians or whatever that, you know, there's a reason your dog was so jazzed about going to the park because it's a whole different experience. And so now I say to myself, okay, maybe I am depriving my pet by not taking them to the park and only going to the gym, but it's not, it's not an all or nothing, but it might be a...

Amy Castro (15:45.024)
 I evaluate it and say, yeah, my dog does really get some benefit in going to the park versus just being out in the backyard with his friends. And so therefore, now what do I do about it? So I think digging into it with some questions to really, instead of just woe is me and living with it is important.

think honestly that the most important question is, am I meeting the dog's needs? That's just the first write off like, okay, your food example. I can't afford to feed them this top of the line $300 a month food or whatever. Am I feeding them? Yes, the better, more expensive foods are better. However, there's a baseline. Am I feeding them? Am I meeting their nutritional needs?

Mm-hmm.

Sheryl Green (16:32.43)
 With the park, am I meeting his exercise needs? Am I meeting his socialization needs? Well, yeah, again, huge backyard, goes swimming in the summer, plays with other dogs. We have friends over constantly and often they bring their dogs. So really the only thing that we're missing is sniffing strangers. That's really it.

I'm not a behaviorist, but I don't know that that's essential to their wellbeing. So am I meeting the need? Yes, I am. And I don't wanna be depressing, but I'm gonna get there for just one second and then I promise I'll come back to happy. Again, 12 years in animal rescue and you've seen the same. Is there a chance that you are going to surrender your animal and they're going to end up with the best possible family and the best possible life that's way better than you could ever give them? Sure, it's a p...

is there also a possibility that if they end up in a shelter, they're not making it out. And it's something that we don't like to think about. I had people all the time, I want to surrender my senior, I just can't keep up with them anymore. Okay, there's a really good chance that if you bring your senior to the local kill shelter, they're not getting out. So as depressing as it is, we also have to look at the, can I handle the short-term guilt of

there. Yeah.

Sheryl Green (17:56.214)
 I didn't take the dog to the park or I'm not feeding him Wagyu steak. Can I handle that short-term guilt or do I want to deal with the possibility that I'm handing over a death sentence? Even though I'm not myself doing it. So again, I'm not trying to depress people. just want people to understand the reality of what could be on the other side of that.

Now, if you're not meeting their needs, then yes, something has to be done and let's find another home kind of situation. But just for the like, you know, I work eight hours a day. I can't be there 24 seven to entertain my dog. They don't need that. And your cat doesn't want you home 24 seven. So don't worry about that one.

Exactly. You know, but here's the thing too, I think about. To me, those are two sides or two extremes on the spectrum of responsibility, let's say. So, know, it's the give up your pet because you're not meeting their needs. but then even then, you know, they could be, they could end up worse off or keep your pet and live with the guilt. I think there's a progression in between where I say, okay,

Because you can dig, I mean, you can drill down to the very granular on this, like going back to the nutrition thing. Yes, my dog's getting fed. Is my dog getting fed the optimal nutrition that would give them the most longevity? And then let's just say the answer to the question is no. But then comes in the question of what can you afford and whatever and whatever. And at some point you say, okay, so this is the best I can do at this point.

Part of the process is evaluate, and then if the answer is yes, we go down this path of let go of the guilt. If the answer is no, we go down a path of further analysis. What can I do about it? Could I forego eating out once a week because I really want my pet to have that extra nutrition? Then you go that route. So it's this evaluate, what did I learn from the evaluation? Do I need to make a change?

Amy Castro (20:10.88)
 Or do I need to just let go of the guilt? Is that a fair assessment of how we can kind of work through it?

Absolutely, and again, there are times that a change is necessary and a change is possible. And you can say, hey, let me skip eating out, let me give up my Starbucks twice a week and I can put money towards this. What I don't want is for people to end up resenting their pets and saying like, well, I have to take care of them, so.

this is not gonna come out fully formed, but we're gonna get there. You know, I have to do this for them, so I can't do this for myself. I don't wanna see that happen. What I do wanna see is that giving up the Starbucks at whatever, coming from a place of love. Because without that love, that's when we get the resentment.

Yeah, that's a good point.

When we're doing something out of guilt, out of fear, that's when we're gonna start feeling like, you know, we're kind of disgusted with the situation. When you're like, no, you know what? My animal's health and happiness, way more important than my, you know, triple mocha latte, whatever you call it. Not a coffee person. But when we come from that place of love.

Sheryl Green (21:35.392)
 then I think it's easier to release the guilt and it's easier to make the changes and the little tweaks that we have to to improve their lives. I always say when you go to set a boundary, there's three possible answers. And this is again with humans, but there's yes, there's no, and then there's yes and. And that yes and is, I do want to help you and this is how I can do it. And I think this fits in when we

comes to pet care, yes, I do want to feed you the best food. I can't do wagyu. I cannot do the wagyu beef. Yeah. It's above, I'm not eating, you know, I'm not eating that. can't do that for my animal. But I can do this. I can skip the drink and get the slightly more expensive food. I can only afford this food. And there's nothing in my budget that can even remotely move.

but I can take them for more walks. I can add extra, you know, other health benefits to it. So I think there's always a yes and, yes, I want to take care of them and maybe I have to do it this way. Does that make sense?

No, that's a good point because I was thinking about this idea of it's not all or nothing. So it's like, you know, it might be a matter of giving up eating out every other week or, you know, Starbucks back, cut one out a week and maybe over the course of a month, you can afford to get a better topper for your food or buy something else to add to your pet's food.

whatever it might be that increases the nutrition. it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Another thing, you know, because I think people have a lot of guilt around, you know, the time issue. work this many hours. I don't have time to do this training with my pet. I don't have time to do those walks, whatever it might be. Because I think it is important, like when you were talking about the taking your dog.

Amy Castro (23:41.88)
 to the park versus going to the gym. I think there could be a happy medium, but I see pet parents that sacrifice everything for their pets. Like they've got a pet that has separation anxiety and so therefore they never go out or they have a reactive pet and so they never have friends over or whatever it is. And it's like, well, that's no way to live either. There's gotta be some middle ground. It can't be all about you because then you shouldn't have a pet, but it can't be all about the pet because you'r...

And, you know, love turns into resentment in that instance. I'm not sure where I was going with that. That's okay.

No, no, I think time is one of the biggest challenges that parents have. It really is. we got to their velociraptors, I guess, technically they're terriers, but they're velociraptors. I never heard the terrier terrorist thing. Oh, And now I'm like, oh, I just pulled.

Chapstick out of one of my dog's mail this morning and yesterday, she murdered a rubber ducky in cold blood. There was like no, just no remorse. But she has to be in a crate. The other one had anxiety so bad that we were like, you know what, we're doing worse by having her in the crate than just giving her a shot to be out and picking up everything and moving every plant we own. But like this dog has to be in a crate.

It has changed my husband and my lifestyle. It has. mean, perfectly honest. You know, we don't want to leave her there for more than four hours. Would she be fine? Yes. In an emergency, I'm not worried about it. If she pees in the crate, she pees in the crate and we clean it and we clean her and we move on with our lives. But our goal is to be home in less than four hours. Luckily we both work out of the house, but there are days that that doesn't happen.

Sheryl Green (25:41.198)
 that we're like, we're not going to be able to get home midday. We're in another part of town or we're in an all day events. And so we've got friends, we've got family nearby, we've got a pet sitter that we're like, hey, can you just drop on by, let her out, let all the dogs out for 15, 20 minutes, let them play, be crazy and then just put them back. And they're fine. So have we changed our lifestyle?

Yeah.

We have, we definitely have, we've altered it a little bit. But does it mean that I'm never going to leave the house for eight hours with my husband? No. That's not healthy for our relationship. That's not healthy for our wellbeing or for our careers, frankly, because sometimes it's a work thing. So what are those backup systems that you can have in place? Do you have a neighbor that you trust that you can give a key or a code and offer to do it for them as well? You know, do you have a friend living nea...

you know, an adult child living nearby or a pet sitter that you can say, Hey, I'll give you 15 bucks to stop by. I have that as part of your plan and say like, Hey, this is what I'm willing to change up in my life. This is what I have the ability to look for resources outside of the family. and then I'm unable to change this. Is it okay? Is my dog still having, or cat still having the best?

their best life or then do we have to look at, you know, potentially rehoming in a safe and responsible manner.

Amy Castro (27:15.97)
 Yeah. Now that's a good point because I was thinking about a couple of different things. The idea of time. So your example of, you have made the commitment to your pet to not crate her for more than four hours, which you really shouldn't. But occasionally it happens. And so, you know, to me, the time element, and somebody had brought this up when we did an episode on bringing home a new baby and how your dog's...

life is gonna change or your cat or whatever it might be. And it's a season. Infancy is a season, toddlerhood is a season, et cetera, et cetera. So one of my questions would always be, is it a limited time and then things are gonna go back to something better for the pet? Or is it like, this is the way it's gonna be forever and that's a whole different ball of wax. Like just as an example, somebody had posted in a group about when they got their pet, they had a certain kind of job.

And then their boss just recently told them they need to be out of town from, I think it was like October to December. October, November, December. So let's say it was three months, three months max. And the dilemma was this person didn't have a neighbor that was willing to do it for three months or take their pet for three months. They didn't have the money to board the pet for three months.

They did not get their pet knowing they were going to be traveling all the time. Now suddenly it occurs. They need the job. They don't have the additional money to pay for all the other options that we know could be available. And so, you know, it's like, sometimes it's like, yes, this is a problem. It needs to be resolved. And sometimes the answer is yes, I can partake of these solutions. And sometimes the answer is no.

I can't, you there are options. I just can't do those in my situation. you know, in that instance, short of finding somebody that's willing to take his pet and not charge him for anything for three months, because it's not a long-term thing or a forever thing, you know, you're kind of stuck. And I think the challenge for all of you pet parents who are listening, and maybe you're listening to this and thinking, you know, that's where I am. I'm at that verge of giving up my pet is...

Amy Castro (29:29.314)
 The realization, like Sheryl had already mentioned, your pet's probably not better off in a shelter. And even for those who say, well, I'll find a rescue. As somebody who runs a rescue, good luck with that. I mean, I know that sounds very pessimistic, but rescues are so full right now. And to be perfectly honest, owner surrenders, which is what this would be, are not the priority intake for most rescues. I'm more likely to rescue a starving animal that somebody found on the side of the road.

than you as a human who has your pet living safely in your home, at least for now, you're not gonna be on the priority list. So it's not gonna be as easy as a solution as you think. But I don't even know what, like, what do you tell somebody like that at that point? Find the money. I mean, that's not really an answer, but it's like, then you're stuck.

So look, every situation is going to be different. Obviously the example you just gave. So I'm going to say, yes, do not rely on rescues to swoop in and save the day. They're all tired. They're all up to their noses and dogs and cats and medical bills. There are some rescues. are some shelters. There are some community groups that have programs for temporary foster. Will take in an animal.

That is true.

the Animal Foundation out here, I don't know if it's still up and running, but they had the Kept program, was like keeping something, people and pets together. And that was, I think it was started during COVID, please excuse me if I'm wrong, I've been out of it for a little while. But that was like, okay, your life just exploded, but you want to keep your animal. We've got them for a month, we've got them for two months. We'll take care of them.

Sheryl Green (31:18.484)
 That is a possibility. May not be an option in your town, but it's a possibility. There's honestly, again, I'm coming from the boundary standpoint here of saying to your boss, I understand that this is important and that I need to do this travel and I'm completely willing to do that. Please understand that I have the responsibility to a living creature. And how can we make this work for both of us?

If you want to send me for three months, that's totally fine. Maybe we find a place where the animal can go with you. Maybe your boss ponies up some money and helps you with boarding or pet sitting or whatever it may be. think we have to look for, whether it's humans or animals, we have to look for the win-win solution for everyone and not assume right off the bat, none of this is going to work. I'm either going to lose my job or my animal.

Like that's the fool's choice. I teach that all the time. I can either have this or I can have this.

Right. That's a good point. Yeah, that's a good point. I feel dumb now thinking that I didn't think of that as an... no, but think of that as an option. It's like, you know, a lot of people might say, well, my boss will never blah, blah, or I could never do that. Well, you're going to give up your pet and you're crying about it. So therefore it's at least worth asking.

the question and phrasing it in the way that you did to say, mean, what if it was a human child? You wouldn't just give it away. So you'd have to figure something out. So it's at least worth having the conversation. And I think employers, not all, but in general these days, they are more empathetic and understanding towards people having pets and the responsibility that they feel towards them than they were even

Amy Castro (33:09.336)
 two, three, four years ago, let alone 15 or 20 years ago. So definitely at least worth an ask. When you were talking about the organizations that will take pets, you're right. There are some, and even rescues. I mean, I've had people reach out. We never did it, but I've had people reach out to us for temporary fostering. And I know there are some rescues that will do that. We did a whole episode on an organization called Dogs on Deployment that

that basically it's like a matchmaking service website for first responders, military, things like that that are being deployed and they need somebody to take their pet because they shouldn't have to give up their pet. So there are, there are other options, you know, and, there's another example that somebody was asking me for help on was somebody who was working 12 hours a day, had a dog with separation anxiety and was keeping the dog crated.

12 hours a day, five days a week. And again, we've laid out possible options, but if that's not an option, what happens when you get to that point where a person is either unable or sometimes it's unwilling, they don't want to spend the money, they can't spend the money? mean, it's two different things. Where the answer is, well, then giving up your pet is probably the best possible solution. And again, if you can find somebody to take them.

There are legitimate situations when you can't or shouldn't keep your animal. There really are. What I would say for that aside from the, you know, be responsible before you get them. What I would say is one, be patient. As you mentioned, rescues are busy. Be easy to work with. Don't just call screaming like you have to take my animal now.

Yeah, don't wait till the last minute if you've got a heads up. I get calls all the time with people like, I'm moving and I can't take my pet. So then you ask them, well, how soon do you need to rehome your pet? I'm moving now or tomorrow. I get it, sometimes they were legitimately trying and I'm just the 15th on the list that they called.

Amy Castro (35:13.172)
 But sometimes they're angsting over the decision. And so now you finally made the decision and now you're trying to deploy some solution and it's just not good. So all of this stuff that we're talking about, evaluating, looking at what your options are, deciding what direction you can go in, what you can live with, and then making that decision and moving forward to try to do that as soon as you possibly can, rather than avoiding, avoiding, avoiding, because you're going to be in a worse position in the ...

And also consider what resources you do have. And when I say resources, maybe you don't have time, but maybe you do have money. And if it comes to this point, make sure they're microchipped, make sure they're vaccinated, and make sure they're fixed. Because those are the first three questions a rescue is going to ask because that's a financial burden that you're putting on the rescue. So if they're not any of that and you can, get it done.

get it done anyway, that's just responsible pet parenting, but get it done. And if for some reason you can't or you already have and you have the ability to, make a donation. It's just the hard fact of it that animal rescue costs a lot of money. And if you say like, have to surrender my dog, but here's X amount of dollars to go with it, it helps.

To kind of wrap this up, because I think we've talked about some good options and directions that people can go in and alternatives, but let's say that we've made a decision, we've gone in a certain direction, but we're still feeling the guilt or giving up a pet. You're going to feel guilty about that regardless, and you're going to do a lot of what ifs in your head. So how do you move forward or move on or whatever the word would be and let that guilt stop consuming you?

The number one thing I would say is, are you doing your best? Ask yourself, and this is a question only you can answer, am I doing my best? If I'm not, I need to do my best. I need to step it up and do whatever my best looks like. If I am, just give yourself some grace.

Sheryl Green (37:27.092)
 None of us are going to be perfect people. None of us are going to be perfect pet parents. And if you're doing everything in your power to either give them the best life or to find a new safe home for them, just give yourself grace. That's it. If we have time for like a really quick story.

That's good.

Sure.

Three years ago, I lost my stepmom and we found out that we had to move my dad into memory care facility and they had a cat. I had always promised, mean, seriously, 12 years of rescue. I'd always promised like, don't worry, I'm taking your cat. I got the cat. Like we're going to be fine. And I was newly married. My husband and I had gotten married like two months before that. And we picked up the cat on the way home from the hospital and we brought him to our house and

within 20 minutes, there was a good chance one of us was going to die. My husband is so violently allergic to cats that his airways were closing. And my eyes were out to hear, and I originally thought it was because I was crying, but no, no, no, it was cat. And a friend offered to take him in in the meantime so that we'd...

Sheryl Green (38:43.746)
 didn't die. And I had to come to terms with that guilt of I promised my parents I was going to take their cat and I cannot for the health and well-being of my husband and I cannot. And I came to terms with that and I did the next best thing and we found somebody within our circle that was willing to take him in and he's living a great life now with a friend of theirs and he got a good life. They, you know, can rest knowing that their cat is taken care of.

And I know that I did my best for them and for my husband and I. So it doesn't always look like what we think it's going to look like, but we made it work. And I truly believe that there is a way to make everything work and for it to be a win-win for everyone.

Yeah, that's a good point and a good story too because a lot of people find themselves in that situation. You think you're going to be able to do the right thing and then it turns out the reality of it is for whatever reason just not sustainable for you. And so like you said, I think the idea of giving yourself some grace, acknowledging it for what it is.

And then learning whatever lessons, if any, that need to be learned from it, and then move forward and resolve to just continue trying to do your very best as a result of it. So I think that's good advice for any type of situation. So any final thoughts or tips that you want to share?

I always say at the end of a podcast, spay and neuter your pets, but it actually makes sense.

Amy Castro (40:18.702)
 There you go, yeah.

Nah, you know, just be the responsible pet parent and do your best.

Yeah. That's it. Well, Sheryl, thank you for being here to chat this through with me today. I appreciate you taking the time and sharing your personal experiences too. That's super helpful. Thank you. So bottom line, if you don't take anything else away from today's episode, which hopefully you did, I think we covered a lot of great stuff, is that you don't have to earn your pet's love by the acts and actions that you go through every day. You've already got that love.

Thank you for having me.

Amy Castro (40:55.212)
 Guilt may pop up from time to time, but it doesn't have to control you and it doesn't have to control your relationship with your pet or your story as a pet parent. If today's conversation helped you rethink your guilt and how you handle it, I'd love to hear more about that in our Pet Parent Hotline's Insider group or leave a comment on your favorite podcast platform. Your experiences might help another pet parent feel a little bit less alone. And don't forget to follow the Pet Parent Hotline on your favorite podcast app.

so you never miss an episode like this one. Thanks for listening to the Pet Parent Hotline. If you enjoyed the show, don't keep it to yourself. Text a friend right now with a link and tell them I've got a show that you need to hear. And ask them to let you know what they think. And remember, your pet's best life starts with you living yours. So be sure to take good care of yourself this week and your pets.